Wednesday, 27 June 2012

If only

I have debated whether to post about this topic as it's highly personal and I'm not sure that it's appropriate.  However, just like plenty of other people out there I am choosing to share perhaps too much information - primarily, as a journaling process and secondly as a way to reach out to people.

Almost 7 weeks ago I miscarried.  The pregnancy was at 7 weeks and 5 days.  Since that time, Lee and I have filled our lives with busy-ness.  I have re-entered the Australian Women's Masters team, I have continued coaching the Australian Junior Women's team, after about a month I was ready to take photos again and did two photoshoots.  

Today, I went to see the Doctor about another matter and on coming out received some scans.  I have only had one scan.. from the day I miscarried (it's actually longer than one day).  That was a bit of a side swipe.  I could see it.  It was real.  The report from the scan is so dry, and yet knowing the outcome so powerful.  Our little foetus stopped growing at 6 weeks, without even developing a heart beat.  And yet I still feel sad for what could have been.

Now that all the body changes have reverted and we're so focussed on our outside life, it's so easy to believe that it never happened.  That the dream was never a reality.  I am left wondering how my life would be different.. 
I wouldn't be going to Japan next week to play for Australia.
I might even be wishing that I could go and feeling like I was missing out.
Our house might have some semblance of order.

Instead, I console myself with the fact that everything is operating as it should.  Which right now just feels a bit weak.

No comments:

Post a Comment